LDS Outlets/Humor: They're Baaaack!

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 5 June 2008

On March 19th, the swallows returned to Capistrano. Yes, I know that was a couple of months ago, but I’m a slow mover. I never even hear the latest news in town until it’s dead and gone, so I’m lucky to remember that there are birds that show up someplace every year.

Back to the swallows ... their return always seemed so romantic to me. I envisioned a handsome Italian man holding a cheesy manicotti in one hand and a creamy cannoli in the other, wooing Sophia Loren, as the birds encircled them. The swallows would symbolize their eternal love as they fed pasta and pastries to each other (the couple, not the birds). -- Read More

LDS Outlets/Humor: Writer's Block

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 2 June 2008

The willowy blonde sat in her Big Bird jammies, a chocolate cupcake in one hand.

Putting my pencil between my teeth, I re-read the words I'd written and then erased them. Next I drew a tulip with eyes, a nose and a goatee … and then my mind wandered.

“Writers are a superstitious lot,” I announced.

“Ummm,” my husband, Russ, replied. I wondered if that meant he was listening or he liked the looks of the donut sitting on my desk. -- Read More

LDS Outlets/Humor: Why Don't You Write Me?

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 29 May 2008

There’s no doubt I’m giving away my age by mentioning this, but a number of years ago there was a song released by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel called Why Don’t You Write Me. It’s one that easily becomes an ear worm.

Have you ever had an ear worm? In case you’ve been infected but didn’t recognize it for the insidious bug that it is, an ear worm is a tune that gets into your mind and repeats itself over . . . and over . . . and over . . . and over . . . and . . . well, you get my drift. ~ Read More

LDS Outlets/Humor: Oh My Heck

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 26 May 208

There are distinct advantages to writing for the LDS market—ones that I'm eternally grateful for. See, there's one right there. I can say I'm eternally grateful for something and no one thinks I'm weird.

Another benefit is I don't have to make up new names for things pertaining to the next life. If I want my character to die and go to the celestial kingdom, I don't have to send him to “the happy hunting ground.” If his cat dies, I don't have to send it to “the great litter box in the sky.” Without a titch of worry about political correctness, I can just ship them all off to heaven and be done with it. -- Read More

LDS Outlets/Humor: A Complimentary Pack of Prune Juice

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 22 May 2008

Not long ago, I sent an email to a large corporation regarding a problem I’d encountered with them. I’d love to tell you the company’s name, but that’s liable to get the pants sued off me. And when it comes to that, my momma didn’t raise no dummy.

(After that last sentence, it’s obvious she didn’t raise me where they spoke decent English, either. *Big wave* to all my kin in the town of TwoSheepAndADeadRooster, Oklahoma!)

But I digress. Just so you’ll understand the situation, I’ve included the correspondence below.

Dear BigNastyBusinessWhoDoesn’tGiveADang,

On January fifth I ordered a book on writing. You responded speedily with a note that you would ship within two days. Two weeks later, I checked the site and it said you would ship by the end of February. Now here it is May, and your site says you will ship by December. This is not acceptable. What do you suggest I do? -- Read More

LDS Outlets/Humor: yourLDSNeighborhood . . . Oooo Far Out

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 19 May 2008

I’ve discovered that I have a major neurological malfunction—my fingers are not connected to my brain. Every time I sit down at the keyboard they dash about of their own accord, typing out gibberish in Chinese. Sometimes, just to fool me, they’ll even type something that makes sense, but it’s not the sense I’d intended.

One time, I came up with a whiz-bang idea for a newspaper column. OK, maybe it wasn’t really whiz-bang, but it was an idea. Hoping to impress the publisher of the paper, I fired off an e-mail detailing my proposal to write a column. They'd previously printed freelance articles I’d sent, so I brazenly told the editor that work I’d submitted before seldom needed editing. -- Read More

LDS Outlets/Humor: What if it's Boring?

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 15 May 2008

Tomorrow will be my two-week anniversary. Yes, I set my blog up almost two weeks ago, and I’m still in love with it. But, lest you think it was an easy relationship, let me tell you how it started. . .

“The ones that died were the optimists,” I heard my husband, Russ, say to my son on the phone. I found myself hoping he was in reference to someone other than guests who ate my cooking. As it turned out, he was talking about prisoners of war. It seems the ones who did the best in difficult conditions were the realistic optimists. -- Read More

LDS Outlets/Humor: A Rose by Any Other Name

by C.L. Beck on Write Up My Alley
on yourLDSneighborhood Newsstands - 12 May 2008

In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet says, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

That’s easy for her to say. Her mother didn’t name her Ima Hogg or Candy Cane. Juliet might’ve sung a different tune if her last name was Passwater and Romeo’s was Horsepucky.

I’m not kidding, those are real names. Okay, I’ll admit that I made up Horsepucky. The other names, however, belong to living, breathing people . . . or maybe dead ones who used to breathe. -- Read More